Dexting is the dating trend you haven't heard of but are probably already doing.
If you've ever been on a dating app, you'll know that landing a good date is anything but easy. In fact, sometimes, landing any date is a real feat. After all, there are seemingly dozens of ways that potential partners can — well — mess things up and waste your time. We all know about the infamous ghosting trend that sees people disappearing into the digital ether out of the blue. And now, there's another digital dating trend to watch out for: dexting.
If you've ever found yourself in a back and forth texting marathon with a potential partner only to wind up with no actual in-person date to show for your time, you've probably been a victim of dexting. A combination of “dating” and “texting”, dexting is when people form strong bonds over text after meeting on a dating app — bonds that feel almost like an actual relationship — but never actually arrange a real date.
The term was coined by Amanda Bradford, dating expert and founder of dating app service The League.
We chatted with Bradford about the ominous new trend to find out why it's common and how it can impact you psychologically.
What is dexting?
Dexting, or text dating, is a phenomenon that has come out of the dating app era. After meeting someone on an app, you may find yourself falling into a pattern of texting. Maybe you have long conversations into the night, tapping away on your phone. Or perhaps, you keep them updated on your day-to-day activities all over text. The weeks go by and you never meet in person.
“Dexting is convenient,” says Bradford. “It can make you feel like you are in a relationship, without having to actually do the work or spend the time required to actually form a true connection. In a way, it’s also safer as you’re less likely to get rejected if you don’t put yourself out there in a real way, so these relationships can ultimately last longer than IRL ones, and it’s comforting to have someone you can text vs being completely single.”
The problem with dexting
Dexting passes the time and makes us feel good. But while dexting may give us the affirmation we crave, it's actually not all that healthy.
For one thing, dexting is a form of stringing someone along. Chances are, at least one person in the dexting relationship actually wants to meet in real life rather than just being pen pals.
Plus, dexting can actually make that eventual first meet-up way harder. After all, if you really get to know someone over text, you might find yourself taken aback by how they look in person or how they speak. When we dext, we form an imagined idea in our head of the other person — the real life version will almost always be a shock to the system.
“The psychological impact is that accepting and engaging in this dexting behaviour can cause you to form an unhealthy attachment to the idea of someone, rather than that person themselves,” she says. “While texting is fine to build or develop a relationship, it should not be the foundation of the relationship, and spending hours texting someone who is not willing to spend the time to see you is not a good use of your time.”
Finally, dexting can leave you unavailable for real life romantic connections. You might shut yourself off from other potential partners because you're already in what feels like a relationship.
How to stop your dexting habit in its tracks
If you find yourself constantly settling into a pattern of dexting, Bradford recommends breaking the habit. After all, while texting can be fun, it is limited and it might even stop you from forming a real-life romantic connection.
Here are a few tips on how to quit dexting once and for all:
Limit your texting time“Don’t waste your time,” says Bradford. “A couple of texts to sense someone’s personality or vet them is fine- but don’t dedicate hours to a screen before you even meet up with someone.”
Focus on sending meaningful textsTry not to get into the habit of texting about every little thing you think of throughout the day or getting into long conversations over text — save that for the first date.
“If you are going to text, make the texts worthwhile,” she says. “Share your goals and strong opinions with your new connection to make sure you’re actually aligned.”
Try Facetiming insteadOf course, if the person you're chatting to lives far away or you can't find a time to meet in the near future, it doesn't mean you shouldn't talk at all. But that doesn't mean texting is your only option. Schedule a Facetime or Zoom call so you can meet face-to-face. As Bradford puts it, “A picture (or video) is worth a thousand words.”
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